Mothers Day

I have endeavored for the last 20 some years to push my emotions back trading pain for numbness. Not dealing with the loss of my mother was my way of dealing. I've mentioned before how time seems to fade memories that were once so vivid. Time has been a slow erosion on the memories I have of my mother leaving me with faded glimpses of her. Not that I don't remember her - I do - but my Mom seems to be more of a feeling that I carry with me now than a face.



I remember lying in bed one night shortly after my mom died feeling like in the blink of an eye I had been pulled from the world and placed in a void. As if anything from that moment forward would have no validity. My heart and soul felt heavy and torn and my Mom, the one person I could go to for comfort, was no longer there - my safe place was gone. I broke down. If my body was the vessel containing these welling emotions then my heart was the wellspring pumping them from my ruptured body. As I laid there in bed bleeding emotion I remember a warm feeling starting at my core and growing like a splash in the middle of a lake rippling outward towards it's shores. A familiar warmth and comfort embraced me, my lungs breathed in deeply and my eyes stopped tearing as a gentle calm soothed my spirit. I know my Mom held me that night and was assuring me like she had so many times before that I was going to be alright.